Currently, the Christian Church is recognizing the season of Lent that culminates in the remembrance of the crucifixion of Jesus and the resurrection of Christ this weekend. Throughout this time of Lent, a major theme is that of "dying to self" which appears in many places in the Bible. But what does it mean to "die to self"? This is the question I explore in this blog for how one understands and thus practices “dying to self” determines whether this is a pathway of love or a pathway of self rejection. Many forms of "dying to self" are only self management strategies while some forms of "dying to self" actually lead to self hatred. Read on to learn more. Within the Bible, there are three common ways of expressing this process of “dying to self.” 1. “Dying to self” as “taking up the cross” daily Sometimes this “dying to self” is understood as denying ourselves and taking up the cross daily and following the way of Jesus (Luke 9: 23). We read in Luke that Jesus taught “whoever seeks to save their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for God’s sake, will save it” (Luke 9: 24). This act of “dying of self” captured in the symbol of the cross is often understood as striving to deny or renounce our selfish desire and align one’s life with the will of God. By managing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours so we are good, many believe we will discover the fullness of life that comes from living this way. As the picture below suggests with Jesus carrying the cross, this practice of "dying to self" is difficult. It involves the persistent and consistent act of human will, We believe we can make this “dying to self” happen through human striving, through managing the pulls of our fallen nature and pushing ourselves to live our lives in ways that align with the purposes of God and the way of Jesus. However, when we understand “dying to self” in terms of self management, we experience a struggle between the longings of our hearts to do what is good or right and the desires of our fallen human nature. Apostle Paul describes this inner conflict in this way, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Rom 7:15). Due to this struggle that is implicit to this understanding of "dying to self", guilt and shame is a common companion. This view of “dying to self” is common in the church and is behind the 4-step practice of confession and assurance of God’s forgiveness that happens in many churches. I outline below how this confession often happens in a church worship service.
For those who are familiar with the psychology around addictions, as explained by Dr. Gabor Mate in his book, “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addictions”, we know how the human will can easily become compromised. People who are addicted cannot through human effort alone overcome their addiction. The same is true when we are dealing with the process of “dying to self” for the fallen self has an addictive nature. It is not possible for our human will to “die to self” for the very part of us that is trying to make our self die is the very part that must die. The downside to understanding “dying to self” through this self management lens is that in dying to our self, we come to see ourselves constantly as fallen selves, as very divided and broken human beings, longing for God’s grace, far from the picture of being beloved children of God. 2. “Dying to self” as crucifying “the flesh with its passions and desire” There are scriptures in the Bible that seem to take this act of self denial a step further. Instead of managing the problematic parts of our personality, some scriptures suggest that we should reject or hate these parts of us. The gospel writer John has Jesus teach “whoever loves their life loses it, and whoever hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (John 12:25) Apostle Paul takes this sense of hating our life one step further by claiming that “those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires” (Galatians 5:24). Not only are we to deny and hate our fallen nature, we are to crucify it by nailing our sins to the cross of Jesus. For the readers who are counsellors, there is a major issue in this form of Christian theology that stresses dying of self as involving hating and crucifying one’s sinful nature. Such a theology teaches people to hate themselves even though all people are created in God’s image and are God’s beloved children. For those of us who professionally provide counselling and spiritual direction to people living with mental health issues, often a feature of their mental health is profound feelings of self hatred. They don't need pastors or counsellors or Christian friends saying things that deepen their sense of self hatred. Unfortunately, within church history, this crucifixion theology has led to the ritual of exorcism whose purpose is to crucify, cast out, or excise spiritually, like a surgery, the evil part within our self. From the few people I have met who have gone through such a ritual, this act of exorcism led to profound self hatred, sometimes creating psychotic breaks in their psyches where this hated part became dissociated from their core self and thus created major mental health issues. It is clear to me that there is no place for the ritual of exorcism within the Christian church. Again, how we understand “dying to self” shapes how we come see ourselves. Through this lens of “crucifying our passions”, we come to see ourselves as full of evil and far from God, nothing close to being a beloved child of God. So far we have looked at two ways of understanding "dying to self", one of managing self and one of rejecting the fallen parts of self. Both of these frameworks of "dying to self" lead to some form of self rejection. Even self-management implies judging parts of our self as problematic and thus parts of us that need to be controlled in some way. This begs a question. Is there a way of practicing "dying to self" that leads to love and grace rather than be based on some form of self-rejection? This question leads to a third image of "dying to self" found in the Bible. 3. Dying to self is an act of self-emptying. This act of self-emptying, or kenosis, is described in Apostle Paul's letter to the Philippians where he writes how we are to empty ourselves like Jesus did, who “did not regard equality with God as something to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross” (Phillip. 2: 6-8). From this place of emptiness, we read that God exalted Jesus, and he became a human that expressed the fullness of God’s spirit. I have come to see this notion of self-emptying as very different than self-management or self-rejection. Instead of nurturing self judgement and self-hatred, the act of self-emptying involves a profound love. This notion of self-emptying suggests a different understanding of self then found in the other views of “dying of self.” Rather than the self being a unified sense of who we are that we are to deny or crucify, the practice of self-emptying suggests a very different notion of self. Here, the sense of self is seen as a container that has parts that can be emptied out of it, like a toy chest that can be emptied of all the things that are stored within it. This Biblical understanding of self as a container that hold many parts resonates with insights of psychology, like Internal Family Systems and the Diamond Approach, the two psychological systems I am most familiar with. For me, this Biblical sense of self is similar to how I understand the human soul, which I described in my previous blog on the anatomy of the soul, a container that holds many different parts like the primitive animal soul and egoic soul and all of its many structures. The other thing this text in Philippians stresses is that Jesus practiced this self-emptying and that this process involved Jesus humbling himself to the point of becoming a servant or slave; he was no longer in control. It is clear when we see self-emptying described in this way that it is very different than self-management or self-rejection for in both of these cases, our sense of self is in control. We believe we can deny our fallen through striving and self management. We believe we can crucify our sinful passions through some form of spiritual surgery of the parts of us that we reject. How Apostle Paul describes self-emptying is a very different process, one where we have give up our sense of control and become a servant. As I was considering how Jesus practiced this self-emptying, it occurred to me that self-emptying happens for us when we share our burdens and distresses with someone we trust who is full of grace and unconditional love, no sense of judgement. In that act of self-emptying with a caring other, we are able process what is distressing us leading to healing and personal transformation. For Jesus, this self-emptying with another happened through his prayerful relationship with God. In the temptation story of Jesus with the Evil One, we see Jesus practice self-emptying as he shares these temptations with God (Luke 4). In Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night before he was betrayed and denied by his followers and crucified, we see Jesus self-emptying when he prayed, “God, if you are willing, please take this cup from me, yet not my will but your will be done” (Luke 22:43). Even when Jesus was dying on the cross, we see Jesus praying to the one Presence who had been faithful, loving, and gracious throughout his life, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:33). I am sure there were many more moments of prayerful self emptying in Jesus’ life. In each of these moments of prayerfulness, self-emptying was happening. If instead of taking control of managing his life, including his emotional and mental life, Jesus surrendered himself to God by sharing his burdens and distress with God, and embracing whatever guidance or insight he received. This is what the following words of Apostle Paul mean: “He did not regard equality with God as something to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross” (Philipp. 2: 6-8). In self-emptying this way, Jesus experienced the fullness of God’s spirit, not just through the resurrection of his life at his death, but throughout his earthly life as he lived out the spiritual practice of self-emptying. I find that the church has not done a good job of teaching their members the practice of self-emptying. I know I didn’t do this well as a church pastor for over 25 years. Where are the safe and gracious places where people can practice becoming vulnerable by sharing their distress and burdens with God and others with the goal of becoming a servant to whatever guidance and insight they receive from these prayerful moments? In writing this blog, I have come to realize that this practice of self-emptying is what happens in my spiritual direction and psychospiritual therapy sessions with my clients…or in supervision with our psychospiritual therapy interns and students. When we practice “dying to self” in terms of self-emptying, we quickly notice that this form of “dying to self” feels very different than self-management or self-rejection. It lacks the pressure of self-denial to constantly manage one’s fallen nature and the rejection that ultimately arises every time we fail. In contrast to the self-hatred that we nurtured through crucifying our unwanted fallen experiences , self-emptying opens the doorway to a different type of with our struggling parts, one of curiosity, compassion, and grace. Here, we discover the experience of love that emerges as we bring the fallen parts of ourselves to our compassionate God or prayerful person for understanding and gracious healing. Questions to Ponder: 1. Consider how you have practiced" dying to self" in the past. How much of this "dying to self" was a form of self management and required a lot of striving? How much it involved some aspect of self rejection? How often did your practices of "dying to self" lead to moments of love, grace and connection with others? 2. I am suggesting in this blog that our sense of self is like a chest that holds many different parts, parts that we can separate from and place outside our chest. As we place different parts of ourselves outside our chest, that is, practice self emptying, this gives us the space we need to explore these aspects of ourselves with God or caring others with curiosity, compassion, and grace. When have you practiced self emptying in this way? Who were the people you practiced self emptying with? 3. How was this experience of "dying to self" through self-emptying different than self management and self rejection? Gord Alton MDiv RP CASC Supervisor-Educator In each of these moments of prayerfulness, self-emptying was happening. If instead of taking control of managing his life, including his emotional and mental life, Jesus surrendered himself to God by sharing his burdens and distress with God, and embracing whatever guidance or insight he received. This is what the following words of Apostle Paul mean: “He did not regard equality with God as something to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross” (Philipp. 2: 6-8). In doing so, Jesus experiencing the fullness of God’s spirit, not just through the resurrection of Jesus at his death, but throughout his earthly life as he practicing the spiritual practice of self-emptying. I find that the church has not done a good job of teaching their members the practice of self-emptying. I know I didn’t do this well as a church pastor for over 25 years. Where are the safe and gracious places where people can practice becoming vulnerable by sharing these distress and burdens with God with the goal of becoming a servant to whatever guidance and insight they receive from these prayerful moments? In writing this blog, I have come to realize that this practice of self-emptying is what happens in my spiritual direction and psychospiritual therapy sessions with my clients…or in supervision with our psychospiritual therapy interns and students. When we practice “dying to self” in terms of self-emptying, we quickly notice that this form of “dying to self” feels very different than self-denial or self-crucifying. It lacks the pressure of self-denial to constantly manage one’s fallen nature and the rejection that ultimately arises every time we fail. In contrast to the self-hatred that we nurtured through crucifying our unwanted sinful experiences , self-emptying opens the doorway to a different type of nurturing. Here, we discover the experience of love that emerges as we bring the fallen parts of ourselves to our compassionate God or prayerful person for understanding and gracious healing.
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